Up, Up, and Away
The last time I wrote, I was sitting at home a week before leaving for the biggest, most daring thing I've ever done. Now, I'm sitting at my desk in my room at The Vines on Pullens Lane, Oxford. I'm here. It's real now, and it's all hitting me like a ton of bricks.
First, though, let's go through how we got here.
The last week before I left was more relaxed than I expected it to be. I had some stuff to take care of, but the really busy time came in the last two days prior. In those two days, I had money to exchange, a flight to check in for, forms to fill out, and a ridiculous amount of clothes to pack. It wouldn't have happened without my parents' help! They were always willing to jump in and handle whatever I was working on. If I was overwhelmed, they were there to lend a hand and share the load. I really couldn't have managed everything - and kept my fragile sanity - without them.
As you might imagine, the biggest day was Sunday. Mom and I spent something like five hours packing two large suitcases, a laptop bag, and a carry-on. Dad wrestled with his GPS for a good portion of that time, working to get us ready for our drive on Monday. By the time we got everything together, we were all beat! And still, we had more to do. The biggest deal was a minor, near-disaster with my plane ticket. When we first booked the flight, Mom got an email with the invoice for the purchase. We both assumed the e-ticket itself would come later. Well, fast-forward almost a month, and we both realize... I don't have my ticket. I don't have my boarding confirmation number. Nothing! There was no way for me to check in or for me to complete the Passenger Locator Form required by the British government without that ticket. So while I'm piling half of my wardrobe on the bed and sorting through it, Mom spends a ridiculous amount of time trying to get a hold of the travel agent, then British Airways, then British Airways again. Finally, she got it sorted out. The customer service agent with BA was incredibly helpful and gave us everything we needed so I could get my forms filled out. Suffice to say, however, neither of us wanted that added stress.
To be fair, though, I think it was an honest mistake on the travel agent's part. How many times have I said I'll attach something to an email, then forget in the next minute to do just that? Way too many, that's what.
So, drama aside, Sunday passed in a blur of packing and stressing and figuring things out. The whole time, I was expecting to fee; anxious about my trip. I mean, seriously. I'm the queen of anxiety. The least little, unfamiliar thing will throw me for a loop even when I'm in my own town, around my own people, etc. Something like this should have been enough to send me into absolute panic.
Instead, by the grace of God, I was chill. Even through Monday morning until we pulled out of the driveway at noon, I was calm. Further proof - a blessing, though unnecessary after so much other evidence - that this is where God wants me. At least, that's how it feels. This is what I need to be doing. This experience is going to push me, grow me, stretch me in ways that I simply would not allow to happen if I were at home. Here, away from my comfort zones, I don't have a choice. Which is sort of kicking my butt at the moment, but I'll fill you in on that later.
The drive down to Chicago was easy. Dry roads - a miracle when driving from Grand Haven to Chicago in January - and mostly easy traffic had us there with plenty of time to spare. Other than being unable to concentrate on my book, I was still feeling very much like myself.
It truly was a gift from God that everything went so smoothly. Once we got to O'Hare, I was able to check my bags immediately - no lines whatsoever - then sit. At that point, the waiting game began. Thankfully, I had good company. Mom and Dad stayed with me even though we were all more than a little bored, to say the least. Two hours before my flight took off they left. We said our goodbyes there at security. Shy of having my puppy there with me, it was the best sendoff I could have asked for. These two people are some of my favorite people in the whole world. Getting a hug from each of them was exactly what I needed.
Security was a breeze. Which was a blessing, because that was the one thing I was actually anxious about. You hear so many gory stories about security going wrong, long lines, or random checks. Like Dad says though, the noisiest stories are the exception, not the rule. They just seem like the common element because they're all you hear about. He was proved right when I slid through without a single hiccup. At that point, I had about an hour's wait until boarding.
Miracle number fifty of the day, I found a seat right next to an outlet with a clear view to both the plane and the boarding gate! It was pretty incredible, considering there were maybe three outlets total in that space. My phone was fully charged and ready to go by the time they called my section! Not that it needed to be... I think I read three pages of my book and texted Mom a couple times before putting it away for most of the flight.
Like many people have experienced with international flights over the last few months of COVID-craziness, it was pretty sparsely populated. I was in Premium Economy - Thank you Mom and Dad!! - which was a little more than two-thirds full, but it really wasn't bad. Almost every other student here at The Vines has said they had an entire row or nearly an entire row to themselves for the flight.
Despite the great seat and quiet cabin, however, I think I got maybe an hour of sleep total all night. Needless to say, I was a bit of a zombie that first day in England. The little bit of adrenaline my body could dredge up got me from the airport to The Vines, a forty-five minute drive through some beautiful countryside, and into a shower before exhaustion truly hit. I still don't know how I did it, but I managed to stay awake all day until bedtime! I don't remember much of the day with any clarity, but I did it and even managed to get unpacked. Probably another miracle, honestly. But it was a necessary one. I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't feel truly comfortable until I've put everything where it belongs. This isn't home, but it definitely feels a lot more like one when everything is put away.
The house - called The Vines, if you haven't gathered that already - is truly beautiful. The inside is very dorm-like, which is to be expected, but the exterior is still just as stunning as it once was. The house is a brick Victorian mansion down a narrow road in Oxford. Like the other houses, it is tucked back behind bushes and trees so that you know there's a house there, but you don't get to see it until you're right up on it. Each house the taxi passed on the way down the drive had it's own name and a gate, with the bushes lining the fence so it was completely covered. The trees are a mix of evergreens and old, heavy-limbed deciduous trees. I couldn't tell you what kinds - a combination of minimal horticultural knowledge and no leaves on the branches - but they all have this gnarled, heavy look to them that suggests they've been standing there probably as long as or longer than the houses themselves. Words truly don't explain how beautiful this place is.
Getting settled in on day one was a process of contradictions. Even as I was putting things away and bringing order to my room, I was falling apart a little bit inside. Everything had gone well. I had a smooth - if sleepless - flight, I got to The Vines from London without a problem, and my room was quiet enough for me to get away from everything. But with a combination of exhaustion and anxiety over the reality of this trip, I wasn't doing too well.
Mostly I was overwhelmed. The reality that I wouldn't be sleeping in my own bed that night, or for any night in the near future, was too much on top of being so tired. As I navigated a day filled with orientation meetings, the fact that this semester was going to be a lot of work began to set in as well. Part of me knew that it was going to be a challenge but when I was safe at home, anticipating that challenge was much different. There, I was not confronted with the reality of both settling into a new place and handling a full semester's worth of work. More than a semester, since I'll be leaving here with 17 credits and the work is done to Oxford standard... which is pretty darn high. Even the thought of my senior thesis, something I wasn't convinced I would do well on but nailed according to my professor, didn't do much to encourage me.
I'm sure you've all been where I was at one point or another. Far from home, facing huge challenges, unable to touch base with those things that bring you the most peace. Sure, we have cell phones and internet coverage pretty everywhere, but that doesn't make up for those physical hugs that make everything okay, like what I got at the airport.
On a much smaller scale, though, I've done this before. I've been overwhelmed and convinced I couldn't handle it but I always made it through. The same would happen this time. I just had to wait it out. And sleep. That was the big one.
Thanks to staying up until bedtime despite the fifty-pound weights attached to each eyelid, I managed to fall asleep right away and stay asleep almost the whole night. I woke up once when my body decided my "afternoon nap" had extended long enough and 8 pm was the right time to get up. Too bad my clock was telling me it was 1 am! Half a movie solved that though, and I managed to sleep solid until my alarm the next morning.
Today, my first full day at The Vines and in England, has gone smoother. Not to say I haven't had moments of anxiety or stress. I'm still fighting through the 'syllabus' shock of looking over all my assignments, but the many orientation meetings we've had today have helped tremendously. It doesn't all feel like it's crashing in on me all at once. I've even had a few moments where I'm feeling a little excited about this adventure. The thought of studying topics I'm passionate about in a place and with people dedicated to scholarship is absolutely thrilling for me. Right now, I'm still a bit intimidated, but I'm also starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is going to be a lot like my experience writing my thesis: tons of research, even more writing, and all self-discovery. This is going to be a semester - or term, as the Brits call it - of discovering my academic passions and learning how to dig deeper than I might on my own.
For now, I'm working on letting things come as they will. I'm taking things one day at a time and trying not to look too far ahead lest I freak myself out all over again. Later, I will have to look ahead to plan my research and writing, but that's not necessary right now. It's actually making me a little crazy, so I have to set it aside. Which is not easy for me, as you'll know if we've spent any time together. I am definitely a planner.
Not planning, though, has its benefits. If I had been determined to control every minute of my time here, if I was willing to be as obsessive about my schedule and my work as I am at home, I would have missed out on some great experiences throughout the day. For example, during our longer lunch break between orientation sessions, I decided to go outside for a bit instead of taking a nap. I knew it might mean I got less done in the evening and it was definitely not going to let me get any reading done at the moment, but the trade-off was well worth it. The day started off a bit dreary and dull, with clouds and leftover wet from the rain last night. However, by the time I went outside at lunch, the sky was just starting to clear.
Stepping into that rain-wet garden, the ground soggy beneath my boots and tree trunks dark with water, was like stepping into every English fantasy I've ever had. From the red brick of the house to the gravel path to the bushes and vines everywhere, it was better than I could have asked for. I meant to only stay outside a short time, but the charm and the borderline wildness of the garden kept my attention until five minutes before our next meeting. One of the best parts was looking out over the back fence, between the rooftops, and seeing Oxford University! I was not expecting that. So close when it's been a mere idea for a year now!
The little things held the most fascination, I think. Leading up to the back of The Vines, the yard is landscaped into two different tiers with a stone retaining wall separating them. Through the middle is a stone stairway. Moss grows on those stones, clinging to the crevices and dips in the pavers. The wall is home to English Ivy, ferns, and even hen and chicks succulents. It reminds me a great deal of something Margaret Fuller wrote in Summer on the Lakes, in 1843 about how the flat lands around Chicago "refuse to be seen by being stared at". She was looking for the charms of her home, the hills of Massachusetts and the forests she was so used to. Instead, she had flat plains with very little on them. However, as time goes on, she begins to see the inherent beauty of the countryside. It wasn't beautiful because it was more or less like her home; it was beautiful because it was. The only way she could see that was to just let it soak in rather than actively searching for beauty.
The garden of The Vines is a bit like that. Of course, there's plenty that's beautiful on its face. More than I can describe, and all of it stunning for it's very English-ness. But it was the small details, like the smooth, minty green of those succulents contrasted against gray, rough-cut stones stacked in a dry-fit wall. Seeing birds I've never seen before, not knowing what kinds they are, is another detail that has really made this special. I'm so used to the bluejays, robins, chickadees, red-tailed hawks, seagulls, and starlings of home that - even though I enjoy seeing them - I don't register them as being particularly special. It is seeing the same form but different coloring in a place that is totally new to me that brings back a sense of wonder. Every time I saw a bird, I had to stop and watch until it was out of view. Not just because they were a new species to me, but because they made everything else feel new as well.
I wish I could have had you walking there beside me this afternoon. It truly was a remarkable experience, and I think that will always feel like the moment when I truly arrived in Oxford. I had been here over 24 hours by that point, but I don't think my heart had caught up with my body. It's still lagging a bit, but it's beginning to catch up and settle into the reality that this - this old, new, strange, beautiful place - is my life for the next four months.
I feel like there was more I wanted to say, but between a full day of meetings and so many new experiences, it's just gone straight out of my head. So this will have to do for now. Hopefully I'll be able to write fairly regularly in the next weeks, but we'll see how that goes. After all, this is Oxford, and I think they'll be keeping me busy!
Until next time, with all my love,
Journey Joslin
