Time to Catch Up

It has been 760 days since I left Oxford. And longer than that since I last posted. So, needless to say, there is a lot to catch up on. Originally, I meant to maintain this blog from the day I got home to... who knows when? But every time I sat down to write, I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. We could psychoanalyze that all day, but I'm going with a dual, short answer: I had just gotten off a very long semester filled with writing, and writing that next blog post from home would feel too much like a closed door on the whole experience.

Now, if you recall my last post or have gone back to read it, you'll wonder why I didn't want to close that door. I was stressed, burned out, not sure how I was going to finish up the hardest semester of my life. The reality of trying to do well in Oxford while also completing the extra work required to satisfy a US semester was so much tougher than I could have imagined.

Looking back puts a totally different perspective on that experience, though. Yes, it was hard. There's no way to spin that differently. Truthfully, I wouldn't want to. That difficulty was part of the beauty of the whole thing. It proved to me how strong I was. More, it proved that no matter what, I could trust God to carry me through. That's the lesson He's been knocking into my head over the last two years, and what's brought me to this point.

So, first. I have spent the last two years working two part-time jobs with coworkers I absolutely adore. I tried applying to jobs in my field, but I hardly ever heard back from the companies and, when I did, it was all a negative. That was discouraging in the extreme. It felt like, here I was, fresh off an incredible experience in Oxford, graduated Summa Cum Laude from an excellent program, and I couldn't even get an interview. What had I done all that work for if I was going to do nothing more than ring up purchases all day? All that money spent, all that effort and stress, for nothing.

Like always, God had a different story to tell. I wasn't working towards nothing. Just as He had before I started at SAU, God was preparing me for a future I couldn't see.

At the end of my Oxford semester, it was too late to apply for a master's program. I determined that I would apply the next round, in September of 2021. I started that application, but once more I found myself unable to finish. Just like with this blog post, it felt too soon. Too rushed. Out of place. Like this was not where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing.

That was frustrating on several levels, not the least of which was the fact that my friends were all moving on to their own graduate programs or were wrapping up their last years of undergrad. It felt like I was standing still.

Again, though, I look back and see things a little more clearly. For example, in the last two years, I've had the chance to pursue hobbies I love and discover new ones. I've attended music and craft festivals with the people dearest to me and have spent countless hours at home with my family. I can say, because of the last two years, that I have a lasting friendship with my nephew. I've gotten to watch him grow up from a toddler to a smart, brave, kind-hearted little boy I am beyond proud to call family. On the topic of family, I've also had the privilege of watching my brother meet, fall in love with, and become engaged to a wonderful woman we now get to call one of us. In two years, my family has faced challenges and seen deep blessings, and God saw to it that I was here for every moment.

Through all of that, He was biding His time until the right moment to move me forward. While I was periodically content and more frequently internally whining about my seeming lack of movement, God was looking miles down the road to where He knew I would be.

Which brings me to where I am today, sitting on my couch in Grand Haven two years after I left Oxford.

This past September I started my Oxford application in earnest. Just a few days short of the January 2023 deadline, I submitted my application and settled in to wait. I knew it could be up to three months before I heard anything, but could also be as soon as mid-March. In that time of waiting, there was a part of me that didn't want an answer one way or another. Because then I could linger in the possibilities that only exist while we wait. After two years of waiting, two years of dreaming about going back, I suddenly didn't want to move in any direction.

However, when God decides to move us, we are moved. The email came Tuesday, March 17. I remember - vividly - sitting in the exact place I'm sitting now. Mom and Dad were heading out the door for an appointment and I had about twenty minutes before I had to be on the road to work. It was going to be a long day, with my morning at Field's and an evening shift at Hallmark filling in for someone. When I opened the Oxford email, all I wanted to do was call in sick to both jobs and bury my head under my blankets. For months, I'd been telling everyone I knew that I was applying, that I was waiting to hear. They were praying for me, encouraging me, anticipating good news alongside me.

What I got instead, though, was a maybe. Not a firm no, but not a resounding yes either. Just... wait. Again. I think both jobs got the best work out of me they've ever had that day as I tried to purge the disappointment and sense of inadequacy the email gave me.

I didn't tell my parents until the next evening. It was too fresh and even then, it was more out of a desire to bring up the topic myself than to wait for them to ask if I heard anything. Following my wait-list email, I determined to not close the door entirely, but to not hope too fiercely. I had to once more turn to God and try to set aside my incessant need to control everything in my world. He had to be the one driving this, and I was still trying to take back control. So I waited. I checked my email, but not as obsessively as I had before.

In fact, I totally missed the email in mid-April telling me I was the second on the waitlist. When I did find it, I made the commitment to keep my email cleaned out and updated everyday, at least. I didn't want to miss a potential acceptance because I was ignoring my inbox.

This habit became so ingrained in just a few days - and my hopes so tempered by my own daily, self-imposed dose of reality - that I didn't think anything of the Oxford email waiting for me on a Wednesday morning.

Suffice to say, opening what I thought was an informational email to find an acceptance to my program was a huge surprise! It really couldn't have happened at a better time, though. Mom was sitting at the table working on something and Dad had just come up from his office for lunch. We celebrated all of Wednesday, taking the time to call and message friends and family with the good news. The next day, I worked both jobs and got to tell my coworkers that this thing we'd all been hoping for was coming true! My Hallmark manager's reaction was probably the greatest thing ever and made me feel more loved and seen than I think she could ever realize.

So, in summary: I will be starting the Master's in English Studies (650-1550) program at the University of Oxford in October of 2023. Lord willing, I will graduate with my master's in degree in June of 2024. All the waiting, the hoping, the planning, the praying, it's all led to this point. Even now, as I slog through piles of paperwork, visa applications, and financial details, I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God and the intricacies of His plan. Every day is an exercise in trust. Trust that the funds will be available. Trust that all the paperwork will get done properly. Trust that I will be capable of the work expected of me.

Nothing about this process - the trust portion especially - is easy. I wouldn't change it, though, even if I could. I have felt God moving in my life more powerfully in the last few weeks and months than I think I have in the rest of my life. He has been infinitely more compassionate to me and more faithful than I deserve. But that is the beauty of His love: we don't and can't ever deserve it, but He gives freely. All we have to do is accept it is there.

Who knows how much time I'll have for writing, especially as I get started at Oxford in the fall, but I'll do my best to keep this blog updated with the latest happenings. I've also started a GoFundMe for my college expenses, which I'll link below.

But most of all, I ask for prayers. This is a big shift and will lead to a whole lot more down the road. Whatever God has in store for me, I want to honor Him with the way I tackle every new situation. I would be grateful for your prayers that I would handle these changes with grace and trust.

Until then, with all my love,

Journey