Let's Be Honest for a Minute...

So. This last week. It was... rough. Honestly, that's putting it a little mildly. The beginning of the week wasn't too bad. We're coming into the last two weeks of the Oxford term, and things are really getting busy. I honestly didn't expect it to change all that much, considering this isn't like a typical U.S. semester where you end up with final exams and papers and presentations. It's just tutorial and essay as usual.

The reality is a little different, though, and I was unprepared. I had two essays due at the end of last week, and something about having gone through the whole term plus all the work was getting to me. My concentration was just about shot. I would sit there at my computer, just trying to read an article, and every little thing was a distraction. I'm usually pretty good at putting away distractions, but my brain just wouldn't cooperate. So even though the two-tutorial weeks are always busy, this was completely overwhelming to the point that my brain just wanted to shut down.

I kept pushing, though, because I had so much to get done. I had been able to do it before, why couldn't I do it now? I was just tired and all I had to do was keep pushing. As I'll explain later - and as anyone who has faced burn-out knows - that was a mistake. Coming up to last weekend, I was staying up to eleven and twelve at night. For other people here at The Vines, that's not really late. For me, though, knowing how my depression, anxiety, and personality react to not getting enough sleep especially under already stressful situations, I've been making an effort to be in bed, done with my wind-down time and ready to sleep no later than midnight. That didn't happen Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, though.

So on Monday, I was already exhausted. I had my secondary tutorial Monday afternoon, then nothing else until my Wednesday tutorial. I spent Monday finishing research for, writing, editing, and turning in my essay for my Wednesday tutorial. I was counting on having Tuesday to just do nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was actually the only thing that was keeping me going through the exhaustion of the weekend. I kept repeating to myself "Just keep going. You have Tuesday. Keep going."

Monday night all that changed. I got an email from my research essay advisor (because we have an essay as part of our post-term period work) returning my draft essay proposal with comments and a Zoom invitation for our meeting Tuesday. A meeting I was convinced was actually a week later. A meeting that interrupted my plans for a recharge day. I had already committed to a video call with a student from my home university about what the Oxford semester was like, and adding that meeting to it when I hadn't been expecting it was just too much.

I'm really not a cryer, I never have been, but this was essentially the straw that broke this particular camel's back. I managed to hold it together somewhat until my mom FaceTimed me. I swear, that woman has the freakiest mom-radar when it comes to me! She knows when I'm not doing well, knows when I need to talk and what to say when I'm stressing. So she called and I just lost it. Talking to her and my dad helped so much. I cried, I unloaded, I stressed, and then I spent several hours after the call just spacing out and watching YouTube.

The next day, I felt completely drained. I had my meetings for the day, but I just didn't feel capable of giving anything else. I've been tired before, but I don't think I've ever experienced burnout, because I've never felt anything like this. It was like when my depression was still untreated, but worse. I felt emotionally hollowed out and absolutely exhausted. I needed time to do nothing. Time to just breathe.

I'd worried that I wouldn't have that time on Tuesday, but after my first meeting, I went for a walk with one of my housemates to pick up some junk food and just chill. That was the first step to healing, between the fresh air and the time with a good friend who just let me be a little spacey, a little hollowed out. She didn't demand I pay attention or contribute anything significant to the conversation. She just let me be me, and that was amazing.

Once I got back, I had time to hang out in the kitchen while the rest of my family came and went. My meeting with the student from my home university went absolutely wonderful. She was so sweet and so much fun to talk to! I worried that I wouldn't have anything to offer her emotionally, but God was right there and walked me through it. We had a fantastic conversation. It was such a blessing, to be able to be part of the decision -making process for someone else who is considering this huge step.

And as much as I worried about trying to encourage someone to take on this challenge when I was feeling so low, I think it was exactly the right time to talk to her. Oxford is amazing, but it's really tough. I don't want to mislead anyone about what it's like, because that would be the cruelest thing to do to someone coming into the program. So even though I definitely tried to be as encouraging as possible, it was also a moment where I was able to be really honest about the whole experience, not just the fun parts.

By the end of the day, I wasn't recovered, but I was on my way. I didn't do any homework all day Tuesday, just giving myself permission to be lazy and let my mind relax. Wednesday I was still a little raw, but I was definitely doing better than Tuesday and world's better than Monday. I had my tutorial on Wednesday morning - which went absolutely amazing - then had a relaxed homework day. Tuesday and Wednesday nights, I zoned out to eighties movies curled up in bed. It was perfect.

Now, Thursday morning, I feel like I'm right back to where I should be. I had been emotionally drained and the kind of scary-empty. Now I feel hopeful about what's coming. I feel like I can handle it. I didn't realize how much I missed feeling like that. I've gotten used to feeling healthy and strong since I got my depression under control, and losing that for even a few days was both scary and discouraging.

If there's anything I learned from this weekend, it's just how important self-care is. I've always known that, have always tried to take care of myself, but I don't think I was taking it as seriously as I should have. Or, more likely being here at Oxford has changed my routines enough that what was working back home is not working here. So I've had to reevaluate the ways I take care of my mental and emotional health. It should not have taken burn-out to bring me to that point, but it did and now I hope I remember those lessons so I don't have to relearn the lesson later.

So if there's anything that you take from this post, let it be this: taking care of yourself has to come before anything else. You can push through the hard times and you should, but not to the point of doing harm to your well-being. So please, take care of yourself. Take time out from all your responsibilities to go for a walk, to play with your dog or read a book. Whatever helps you relax, do it. don't let anything get in the way of caring for yourself.

Now I'm getting back into the routine of schoolwork and trips out into town. Back to normal. We're finishing up the Oxford term, and then we have a few weeks of SCIO courses before the semester is over. It has been an intense, amazing semester and I can't believe it's almost over! It will be nice to take some time to explore the rest of the UK with my housemates before going home.

Until then, with all my love,

Journey Joslin