Reality Sets In
One week from today, I will be on my way to Chicago to catch a flight to England. One week and one day from now, I will be landing at Heathrow Airport in London, then on my way to Oxford for a semester spent in the company of some of the greatest minds in academia. Honestly, it barely feels real. The Oxford part, at least. I've thought of Oxford as a distant, almost imaginary place that couldn't possibly be part of my reality. It was just... out there, somewhere. So that part is definitely strange.
Seriously; Oxford University is older than the country that has been home my entire life. It is part of an academic legacy that has existed since the Middle Ages, through wars, cultural revolutions, and pandemics. It just doesn't feel like a real, physical place to me yet. It belongs more in the historical novels I read. You know the ones: where the boys from wealthy families go to Cambridge or Oxford and the girls learn to dance and paint. It's a romanticized idea of a past that wasn't nearly so pretty in reality, definitely, but it's still one that captures my imagination every time I read one of those novels.
The rest of it is less of a dream and more of a gritty, practical reality now that I'm so close. This is when all those important little tasks have to get done and that makes this trip real. For example, I just finished writing a To-Do list for tomorrow that includes things like picking up my prescription, calling the bank to let them know I'm traveling, and picking up travel sized toiletries. Before, those were only abstract concepts. I knew I'd have to do it eventually, but it wasn't real until today.
I'm torn between two emotions now that everything is coming together. The first is anxiety. It's equal parts the anxiety born from chronic anxiety and the worries that come with any new experience. The first is easy enough to deal with. Between my prescription and my yoga practice, I've found a great management plan.
The second is different. Not bad, like the chronic anxiety can be, but almost inspiring. It sounds cheesy, like one of those quotes you see floating around on Facebook or Pinterest that has been attributed to any one of a dozen historical figures. "Don't let the fear push you down; use it to fuel your future!" Those quotes that make you roll your eyes when you read them, even if they convey some kind of truth. The reality, though, is that fear - not crippling anxiety or fear of personal harm, but rather fear of the unknown - can push us to do some pretty amazing things. It can make our achievements even sweeter and help us discover just how strong we truly are.
The best example I can think of right now is when I first learned to canter during a horseback riding lesson. I was scared. I remember wanting it, but putting it off for a couple lessons. I didn't feel ready. It seemed so fast, and I could barely manage a trot. How would I do with even more speed? Would I be able to control the horse, or would he decide to do his own thing? Finally, my teacher told me during a lesson that we were going to do it. She didn't ask - she had learned that if she gave me the option, I would probably back away from the challenge. It was the best thing she could have done for me. I loved it! It was scary, but it wasn't a bad scary. It was thrilling and a little out of control, but it was a moment of complete freedom.
Over and over again, I have experienced that metamorphosis of fear into triumph. Tough as it might be in the moment, it is worth everything you feel while you go through that struggle. This experience will be the same. Those things I'm worried about will go from obstacles to achievements. Later, when I come up to new obstacles, I will be able to look back at what I have already done as proof that I am capable. I can do it, and I will be better for it.
The second emotion I've been experiencing in the last couple days is anticipation. Not quite excitement, not yet, but that feeling of being poised on the edge of something new and big. I can't help feeling like this trip is going to completely change my life. It's a little bit of the romantic in me, of course, but I wonder if it's also a bit of understanding of how things will be. After all, how can I go through something as big and powerful as a semester abroad without being changed somehow? Regardless, I am excited to see what my life is like after. Almost more excited about that than about the trip itself, if I'm being honest. It will be amazing to go to another country, to see places I've read about for years, and to meet so many new people. There's also the fact that I will finally be finishing my degree.... That's a huge bonus!
But that change in my life, in me? I can't wait to see what's coming! How will my view of the world change? How will my understanding of myself and my capabilities change? What people will become a permanent part of my life? What will I be inspired to do next? What new opportunities will this lead into?
I can only imagine what the answers are to these questions, but it's fun to think about. I just have to remember that, even as I'm dreaming about the future, I can't lose sight of reality. I have a week left with my family and my friends. It is a week of errands and tasks, for sure, but a week with the people who love me and know me best. I get to spend this week enjoying my life, the end of the Christmas season, and anticipating the four months coming up. It is a time of incredible blessing leading up to the greatest challenge of my life.
Until next time, with all my love,
Journey Joslin
