Not the Right Beginning

This isn't how I planned on starting this blog. From the day I started working on this, I've been asking myself what my first post should be about. The hopeful excitement of a new traveler? Seemed appropriate, but I honestly haven't felt that much excitement lately. I am still thoroughly in what I call "survival mode". All I've been thinking about is getting things done.

Maybe I would start with something about the many tasks I had to finish, the to-do list that never seems to stop growing. Which would have been relevant for sure, but... then life happened as it has a habit of doing.

Not even a week ago, I was awarded the Benjamin A. Gilman International Scholarship to fund my semester abroad. The scholarship is only awarded to about 25% of applicants, and many of those are students studying in non-Western European countries. So the odds of me winning the scholarship for my semester at Oxford were slim. And yet, when I got out of work Thursday, December 3, the first thing I saw on my phone was an email alert with the preview: "Congratulations on your Gilman Scholarship!" Suffice to say, I was excited! That was $5,000 my family did not have to provide. $5,000 to fund my studies in a country I've longed to visit for as long as I can remember. Money to help me travel on the weekends, to take me to my ancestral home, to Culloden Moor, to the Orkneys and Hebrides... Money that would make all my dreams of exploring England and Scotland not just possible, but almost easy. There may or may not have been a happy dance right there in my driver's seat....

Fast forward to today. While I'm struggling through the piles of documentation and paperwork, I click through to read the travel advisories per Gilman requirements. While on the US State Department website, I see the UK is still at a Level 3: "Reconsider Travel".

Tire screech.

Clicking back a page, I go back over the Gilman requirements.... There, just as innocent as you please, are the words telling me that the Gilman funds cannot be used for study in countries at a Level 3 or 4. Being a mostly optimistic person, I emailed the Gilman organization to confirm. After all, the UK is only listed as a Level 3 because of COVID. If my university, the semester abroad program, and Oxford are all still allowing and facilitating this program, then maybe they'll make an exception. Of course they would. Right?

Wrong. As you might expect from anything run by the government, there is no wiggle room. They've said what they've said, and too bad if it doesn't make sense. (More on that later.)

So I've spent the better part of my day feeling like I've been kicked in the teeth. I worked so hard for months to gather the materials, write the essays, and get the approvals needed for this scholarship that to lose it all now, right at the point when it is all finally becoming real, feels like a betrayal. I know that I'll still go to England. My parents and I have been planning for this, so losing the funds isn't the death-knell it feels like. All that will sink in later, but right now, I'm still sitting on my butt feeling like I've been hit in the head by a two-by-four.

Which all means one thing. Instead of starting this blog with a cheery post about the joys of travel or my anxiety over my first international flight - solo no less - I'm starting my blog with a post about disappointment.

As I've thought about it, though, and as my hurt has mellowed (not lessened, mind you), I have realized that this is the most honest post I ever could have written. Because as wonderful as travel surely is, it is also part of life and life holds disappointment. I'm sorry. That's not a fun message. But it's the truth, and I think you'll agree if you think back over some of the larger moments in your own life.

We get excited about a new experience, maybe a new job, and suddenly our car dies a final, vicious death. Now we have to buy a new one with the money we hoped would go toward a savings fund or a summer vacation. Let's take it a step further. You get that job. You celebrate the job, buy a new wardrobe or a mostly-new car. Then, the day before you start that new job, you get an email from HR telling you that the company is now downsizing or even going under and you no longer have a new job.

The details are unimportant. The fact is, we have all felt disappointment in the middle of excitement. It's how life goes. In our better moments, we roll with the punches and figure we'll learn a lesson from the experience. In the not-so-good moments, we take a step back and try to protect ourselves. In my case, I tell everyone I'm fine even while I'm trying not to cry or start screaming.

So, as much as I hate starting off on such a gloomy note, I honestly think it's the best thing I could do. This blog is not just about my travel and my experiences abroad. It is about all the in between moments, no matter how gloomy. My goal with starting this blog was to bring you along with me. Just like Mary Wollstonecraft with her "Letters Written in Sweden, Norway, and Denmark", my goal is to relate to you everything that happens as it happens, in the same spirit in which I experience it. It won't always be pretty. Sometimes, like Wollstonecraft noticed, that means it will be jumbled or a little unpolished. But it's real. That's what matters.

Time for real talk.

I'm hurting. A lot. This situation sucks! It seems like I've spent my lifetime doing the right thing, working hard, setting goals, only to have the rewards for all that ripped out from under me the second they're in reach. I've had moments today where I wonder, is it even worth it? Should I keep trying when I keep getting socked in the gut? It's hard to stay motivated to work hard and try for better when your efforts are rewarded with a bait and switch.

I'm angry. Remember that slightly sarcastic comment I made about the government? Here's the promised explanation. The Gilman can only be used in countries at a Travel Advisory Level 1 or 2. The UK has been at a Level 3 since March and the start of COVID, which is logical. But if Gilman knew that and knew where I was going - which they did since I had to tell them when I applied - then why did they award the scholarship in the first place? They've told me I have the option to switch to another country (Really? Is there a single country that isn't at a Level 3 right now?) or to switch to a virtual program. The point of enrolling in the semester abroad is to be in the country, to experience life as a Brit for three months, to travel and study directly with some of the greatest teachers and scholars out there. Going virtual... yeah. Let's not go there. So why did Gilman give me the scholarship in the first place? More than that, why are they offering scholarships for in-person programs right now at all? Like I said, I don't think there is a single country that is at less than a Level 3 due to COVID. Maybe the scholarship program should have adjusted their requirements to only accept applicants planning on a virtual program until the pandemic is over. Because they didn't, I and others students are dealing with the pain and disappointment of having our reward ripped away. And while I can still go abroad thanks to my family's planning and God's blessings over the last few years, what about those students who were counting on the Gilman to fund their trip? What about those who cannot afford their dream semester now?

So where does all this leave me? Leave us? Well, it leaves us with two options. Give up and give in to discouragement, or keep plowing forward. I want to give up, but that's just not who I am. It does not honor the lessons God has been teaching me for years now. When something like this happens - when my high school shuts down or I lose my dream university or have to add an extra year to an already ridiculously long college experience - He seems to be telling me "Just wait. There is something bigger and better waiting around the corner, as much as the present might hurt." And that has proven true. My high school shut down, but I spent two years with amazing people and, while homeschooling, got to travel to my dream university with my dad on a trip I will always remember. I couldn't go to that dream school, but the school I ended up at is where I met one of my best friends, a woman who has shown me unconditional love and support. And my college experience is taking a heck of a long time, but I have had beautiful experiences in those years, and I know they have made me into a strong, intelligent, well-rounded individual.

I don't know what this latest knock-down will lead into, but I know God is there. I'm still hurting, still angry, but God is still God. I'm still going to appeal the Gilman organization's decision, but regardless of their response, I trust that something good is coming. I don't know how or what, but it is.

Hang in there with me as I wait for that "something good" and keep plowing through the mountains of paperwork still sitting in front of me. This experience is going to be ridiculously tough, but it is going to be a good thing, and I'm so glad I can share the whole thing with all of you!

Please be praying with me that Gilman will change their minds. If they don't, pray that I will accept their decision with grace and make the most of the scholarships and funds I already have. Thank you for your prayers and your encouragement through this whole process!

Until next time, with all my love,

Journey Joslin